No... Thank YOU, Charlie Sheen, you lion-blooded Warlock, you

Everyone always says to not fall down the Rabbit Hole. But, man, does Charlie Sheen make it look like a bucket of AWESOME. Below are a few choice quotes that I intend to meld into my daily ramblings as often as possible.

• "I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there."
• "The last time I used? What do you mean? I used my toaster this morning."
• "I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen."
• "Most of the time — and this includes naps —I’m an F-18."
• "I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself."

Remember when he really started losing it this time? (this time... man, it would be awesome to be a celebrity) When he beat up Brooke Mueller in Aspen? Well, I was home, visiting my mom in my tiny little town just outside Aspen when that happened. And just like when Michael Jackson died... no one there gave a shit about it.

True story:
Me to my older rancher friend with a fu manchu mustache: Did you hear?! Michael Jackson died!

Fu manchu: I should give a fuck? And that affects me, how?

(not related... but, because I didn't know how to spell "fu manchu," I had to look it up. And I'll be DAMNED if Wikipedia told me that he didn't have a fu manchu mustache at all... he had a horseshoe (or "biker") mustache. All this time, I've been living a lie.)

Horseshoe (or "Biker")

Fu Manchu

Also, Charlie Sheen needs his own network. Not JUST a show... a damn network. I think he should go use his Warlock powers to take Oprah and her ass-network out and turn it into the CSN, Charlie Sheen Network. You'd watch it, you know you would. It's like the real version of the Truman Show. Fuck. Yes. Win.

Also, in the battle of Lion Blood and Unicorn Blood, who would win?

Laundry vs Booze

Tomorrow is my first day of being furloughed. I have high hopes for the additional weekend day. My tentative plan: wake up at the same time I would if I were actually going to work. Work out for at least 45 minutes. Make a healthy breakfast. Do the 16 loads of laundry I have been avoiding but now must take care of because I'm out of underwear and I can't afford to go buy more since I'm furloughed. Play Frisbee golf. Go to Happy Hour (after all, it is still Friday).

What will most likely happen: wake up at 11 hungover because even though last night was Thursday, it's like Friday since I don't have to work the next day so I should drink as much as possible, crawl to the kitchen to inhale a banana. Take a nap on the couch. Throw up said banana. Take another nap. Watch reruns of America's Next Top Model. Make a real breakfast (with cream cheese and lots of carbs) around 2pm. Watch more America's Next Top Model. Go frolfing. Meet friend(s) at happy hour (what?! It's Friday!) to start the cycle over again.

Anyone want to lay down some bets? Over/Under?

I'm trying so hard to be an adult, but sometimes it's just so boring and predictable. That, and I really like booze. And cheese. And unicorns.

Things I Want That You Should Buy Me

From time to time I will be posting things that I want, but can't justifying buying for myself. Therefore, I will be posting them here, hoping and praying and holding my breath that YOU will buy it for me. There will be cheap things, expensive things, out of reach things and possibly fake things (don't you DARE include unicorns with fake things... THEY ARE REAL!).

You might also want to purchase some of these things... and if you actually end up buying them, I would really appreciate it if you would buy two and give me one. Why? Because I'm awesome, of course!

First on my list, are these amazing vases that will help me make more friends. Okay, it doesn't actually SAY that on the description, but I'm pretty sure if I had these at my house, people would want to come over. Oh, and when you buy them for me, please also include a tablecloth, a pretty one, because I think you need a tablecloth to trick everyone into thinking you have floating vases.

Amazing, Friend-Making, Magnetic Vases