I'm a Member of the Mile High Club

Wikipedia says (so it much be true) that "The Mile High Club (or MHC) (<-- Seriously? MHC? It needs an acronym?) is a slang term applied collectively to individuals who have sex while on board an aircraft in flight."

Question: When was the last time you were in an airplane, and you were cruising at 5,280 feet? Probably NEVER. Because if you were, you'd CRASH right into the ROCKY MOUNTAINS. And it would be about half-way up the mountain, not just grazing the peak and rolling down the other side. No... you'd go SPLAT! Right into the side.

If being a member of the "MHC" (<-- so lame) means you've boned at a mile high, well, then, I'm a member, and have been for longer than I'd like to admit. Growing up at 6,700 feet will do a lot of things for you:

• Give you amazing stamina for sports/running/marathon-between-the-sheet nights due to the lack of oxygen your brain gets from being up so high
• The sun in a friendly reminder that it's hot. put some damn sunscreen on because you're 6,700 feet closer to the sun than you would be if you were at the beach and damn that shit is hot and intense.
• There's nothing to do above 5,280 feet because there are no decent sized cities, so you learn how to drink, and drink a lot.
• On the bright side, you can really booze it up if you even get down to sea-level.

I had a point to this post... oh! right. The MHC is lame and untrue and you don't have to bone in the micro-shitter on a plane to be a "member." How does that conversation go, anyway? "Hey... wanna put your ass on the counter inside that bathroom by aisle 24?" "Only if you're foot goes in the toilet" "But then it'll turn blue!" "Whatever, douche, my ass will forever be infected. "Oh hang on, I think that fat guy is taking a crap in there. He's been in there for a long-ass time" "Speaking of asses... get on the counter, biotch!" Ew. diseases. Gross.

And also, every single person I grew up with is also a member due to the need to entertain ourselves because the town was so small, and because we lived at such a high altitude. And when you have nothing to do at 16... you drink. Then eventually, you bone. It's the natural progression of things.

Mile High Club my disease-infested-ass.

Borrowing Money from Friends

Do you ever borrow money from friends? Do you lend money to friends? I'm not talking about a HUGE amount, like a down payment to a house, or thousands of dollars to bankroll their illegal midget fighting habit in the basement (I'm not sure if that means midgets fights are illegal, or if the midgets themselves are illegal... as in, not in America legally). I'm talking about a hundred dollars, maybe two hundred dollars at a whack. Sure, we all borrow and lend ten bucks here and there, but at what point does it become too much?

I have recently realized that the only time I lend friends money is when I think I will benefit in some way. Don't have enough to go out with me to that really nice dinner? I'll spot you some cash. Can't quite afford those airplane tickets so we can go on vacation? No problem, we'll just put it on my card and you can pay me back later.

It. Has. To. Stop. Right. Now.

There are now two people who owe me money, my best friend and my boyfriend. And I've tried to cash in, however, they are both perpetually broke and can't pay me back right away. However, each has dealt with the situation very differently. Allow me to clarify...

The BFF, Tabby (as mentioned earlier when I thought our boyfriends grew vagina's) and I went on vacation to New York. I bought her plane tickets for her 30th birthday (I know, I'm awesome), and we were going to stay with her friends who live in the city, so it was supposed to be pretty cheap. Oh, I must mention... Tabby doesn't have a job, hasn't had a job for quite some time, and it currently enrolled in grad school, but does not have financial aide. That is all good, no biggie, good for her for furthering her life. Problem being? The trip ended up much more costly than anticipated (New York pricey?! No way!), so I spotted her some cash here and there just so we could both enjoy the trip. By the end of the trip, she ended up owing me around $350. This was in May. It's now almost October. AND she's paid me back everything BUT $100. No problem. She wants to work out a payment plan, add interest, etc. (One of the many reasons I love her... she's got amazing pride and won't back down for anyone).

The BF, JD, wanted to BUY ME a plane ticket to fly to Detroit to meet his parents, attend a wedding where I would meet all of his hometown friends AND hit up the family BBQ for Labor Day. Aw... how nice! HOWEVER... The man bought the tickets on Priceline, named his own price, then was disappointed when we weren't flying during a convenient time. Like an asshole, I piped up and offered to pay for the difference in the price of the tickets. So, here's what actually happened... (brace yourself, there are numbers and math coming up) (jeebus I love bullet points)

• Price of original tickets: $600
• Fee to cancel ticket on Priceline: $200
• Cost of new tickets: $750
• Amount I'm owed from JD (in his mind): $400
• Amount he was willing to pay me last week: $300 (never received)
• Amount he is willing to pay me this week: "$100-$200" after I requested payment

Now I'm pissed, irritated, and want to scream at him to grow up and give me my damn money! Am I wrong? I'm sure some of this is my fault... I offered, I didn't lay down the rules ahead of time, I'm just NOW asking for payment... but really, do I have to ask for payment from my own boyfriend when he's the one who owes me money? I don't know how this works, but I'm never doing it again, I'll tell you that much.

Except maybe if there's a real midget fight that needs to be bankrolled. Damn that would be awesome.

Goooooooiiiiiiooooonnnnnssss!

The Detroit Lions have a fight song. This crazy guy comes out of some random tunnel after they score (field goal, touchdown, ANY score). He sings the fight song. I LOVE it. But, at the end, they all scream "Gooooooo Lions!" except that no one pronounces the "L" in "Lions" so it sounds like Goooooiiiiiioooonnnnsss! Listen carefully, you'll hear it (ignore my hysterical laughing in the background. I just couldn't contain myself. Also, keep in mind this was a preseason game, which is why no one is there. Maybe.)

Does It Still Count As Exercise If I'm Drinking The Entire Time?

I like to consider myself a pretty active person. I'm not the most active, but, I mean, I live in California, so there are all kinds of tree-hugging, bike riding, dirty feet, granola eating hippies (sorry *mom*) that like to show us normal people up when it comes to exercise (and the worst part? They don't even consider it exercise... it's "getting closer to nature" or "enjoying Mother Nature" or some other bullshit like that). On the other hand, if I lived in the Midwest, I could just stay home and bake pies all day and eat pies all night. That is what mid-westerners do, right? Please tell me it is, because if it's not, then I need to rethink my retirement (you know, the time when you quite working, so you no long have clients to impress, you've been married for 458 years, so it doesn't really matter that you gained a bunch of weight because you've stopped boning your spouse a long time ago anyway, and you get to stock your house full on candy for when the grand-kidlets come over so you can get them all cracked out on sugar then send them home with their parents.). So if pie making and eating is not on the short list of things mid-westerners do, I might sink into crisis mode.

Shit! I just realized I don't even LIKE pie.

While I come up with Plan B, let's get back on track...

I do the following sports on a regular basis:

• Softball
• Bowling
• Frisbee Golf
• Competitive Sailing

I also do the following things while doing the above mentioned sports: DRINK.

So, my loyal readers/followers/posse (can posse be plural? posses? posse'? posses'?), I pose this question (wow, 'pose' is really close to 'posse'): Does it still count as exercise if I'm drinking the entire time I'm doing said activity? Sometimes I actually work up a sweat. Sometimes I smoke a cigarette. (Look at me! Dr. Seuss, y'all) But I'm still active, right?!

Lunching with the Ex. Also, things I do to drive myself crazy.

I just had lunch with my ex... the one with the awkward grocery store run-in...

Things I said would or wouldn't happen that did or didn't:

• What I said I wouldn't do: Have lunch with him. 
• What happened: We had lunch. I swore that wasn't going to happen. But he called at my office from his office phone. Sneaky, very sneaky. Why I said is still something I'm trying to blame on someone, but haven't figured out who yet. I'll get back to you on that.
• What I said I WOULD do: Tell him that he's a selfish asshole (but in nicer words). 
• What I didn't do: I didn't tell him how I think he's a selfish asshole for doing what he does to girls (not in the dirty-sex way... THAT is just fine).
• What I said I WOULD tell him: That I'm on to his evil ways and will spread to word to all other females I come across
• What I DIDN'T do: I didn't tell him that I know the REAL reason he broke my heart and that I plan to ruin his life with it.
• What I said I WOULDN'T do: Make this a regular thing.
• What I did/didn't do: I didn't say "no" to the invitation to go to a movie next week. BUT... I didn't say 'yes' either.

All in all, it was actually a nice time. There's a reason we had such a good time together. Because we're both a good time. If (and I emphasis the IF IF IF IF IF) he wants to be JUST FRIENDS, then I might consider it. However, if he wants to get the stick-it-in-okay, then I'm out.

So... THAT just happened.

Working from home, or getting paid to watch the Game Show Network? Also, blowjobs and metaphysical crap

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You Look Like a Girl Who Can Take Care of Herself

"I'd tell you to watch out for that guy over there, but you look like a girl who can take care of herself."

What. The. Fuck. Does. That. Mean.?

I'm not a cage fighter. I'm not a stick figure. I'm healthy, yes. Black guys love my ass (true story). But I'm also not a pie-eating, couch surfing Midwesterner (no offense to any of the above).

My question is: when someone says that "you look like a girl who can take care of herself" ... what exactly does that mean? Does it mean you look like a bitch? You look tough? You look confident? You look like you really know how to flick the bean? I need some clarification so I know if I should go beat this person's ass or not.