Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Calling in Burnt

Air humping, motor-boating, excessive boozing and really good time. Last weekend was an amazing one. In fact, it was so amazing, that I called in burnt to work on Monday. You see, some of the benefits of living in California are that you can get away with b.s. like calling in burnt. And the best part? I actually DO look like a lobster. I also like to eat lobster. But I would prefer not to eat myself. Wait... that just got SUPER dirty.

So Monday morning, there I was, laying a pool of my own drool, blinding slapping at the snooze button on my alarm clock feeling like death (and probably looking like it too). As I lay there contemplating what could possibly be worse than feeling the way I felt (hungover, burnt to a crisp, on 4 hours of sleep, etc), I realized that... I HAVE SICK DAYS! And... instead of calling in with some kind of illness and having to fake feeling like shit for the next week, I decided to tell the truth(ish). So I texted my boss (I love technology... like, more than a friend) and told her that I was all burnt and couldn't even put pants on and would really like to NOT come into the office. She promptly responded with the "no problem" text I was praying for. WHAT?! You mean I just called into the office telling them I'm an irresponsible asshole who can't even remember to slap on some SPF for my lily white ass and it's okay?! Sold.

So, I spent the rest of the day on my couch, soaked in aloe and lotion, watching the game show network and reliving the parts of the weekend that I remembered.

Upon reflection, I think it's absolutely necessary to share with you some very important lessons learned in just 36 short hours:
  1. Don't waste your money on going out to sushi for dinner when you're already wasted and just walk directly out of the restaurant (after eating all the fish you can handle) and into Taco Bell for "dessert"
  2. ALWAYS put sunscreen on your head and hairline so you don't end up with random scabbing grossness in your part and looking like a damn leper. (Have you ever looked at pictures of lepers? Because I just did for the first time and now I feel all creep'd out and also like an asshole)
  3. While sitting at the beach ALL DAY long, remember to reapply sunscreen more than once. Because no matter how much you've had to drink and how invincible you think you may be to the devil-sun, you're not. 
  4. There's a reason guys like to lay on girl's boobs... those things are damn comfortable! (I have some well-endowed girlfriends and put in some good "pillow" time... trust me on this)
  5. The word "pussy" is amazing (I think we all knew that). But when it's said with a southern accent, it's EPIC, and impossible to overuse.
  6. I'm pretty positive there were other lessons learned, but I drank too much and can't remember them. My bad.

Here's to being sober for a few days, but also to a FANTASTIC weekend.

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